April 11, 2016

In the midst of life, it is easy for me to forget that there is very little I have control over. In the next couple of months, I am turning 30. I never thought this time would come, but here it is. At 30 years old, I saw my life looking very different than it does right now. Have I accomplished a great deal? Yes, of course! But, there are still things I long for that have yet to come to fruition.

I thought by this time in my life, I would be married, owning my first home, and have a little babe on the way. I saw myself being a relatively "young" mom, and having my home ready and waiting for littles to come along. Now, my children have been replaced with my niece and nephew (which I wouldn't trade), and my married life has been replaced with singleness. My job as a SAHM has been replaced with a job in higher education (which I also wouldn't trade). My home ready for littles is now replaced with an apartment filled with two single females and all of their junk. No, the picture I had envisioned of my life up until this point has not come to be.

I feel two distinct things about this.

1. Disappointment. I am disappointed. I am disappointed in myself for having made some wrong decisions. I am disappointed in others who have hurt me and even left me, or thrown me to the side. I am disappointed in God. Does He not hear me? Does He not see the struggles I have? Does He not care about what I want or who I want in my life?

2. Scared. I am scared about what this could mean for my life. Am I destined to be single and just didn't know it? Does the family I always envisioned not exist in God's eyes? I am scared about what I could be missing. I am scared of some of the risks that I could not be taking. I am scared that this feeling of not being able to move forward or backward will last forever.

Here's what I do know about these feelings.

1. They are valid. Disappointment and fear are very real feelings that a lot of people turning 30, 40, or 50 can relate to. Honestly, these probably aren't exclusive to milestone birthdays, or birthdays in general. These feelings I have wrestled with for a few years now. I think turning the BIG 3-0 is just magnifying the emotions.

2. They won't last forever. I still have many joys in life to embrace and look forward to. My life isn't over, it's just beginning. While I do have the feelings of disappointment and fear breathing down my neck, I still have hope. I have glimmers of hope when I complete a big project at work, or when I cheer up a friend, when I hear my niece and nephew laugh, or when my roommate and I uncontrollably laugh in a drive thru lane because of something dumb I said.

I know that there is so much to this life that I have yet to even fathom. I know that in these moments I am being refined and softened. I know the Lord is working things out for my good and that He is listening to me when I cry out to Him. Turning 30 for me is a big deal and right now it feels hard. I feel anxiety and I feel panic, but I pray constantly for peace. I pray for the joy that only Jesus can give. We all have our struggles and we all have things we are waiting for.

As for now, I will wait.

Happy Monday, xx.

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