I have a lot of feelings about turning 30. I think that there is a point where women, before they turn 30, lose their mind and start re-evaluting every little mistake, dream, and goal they have ever had, or will have. As you may already know, I struggle with anxiety. For right now, my anxiety feels to be manageable, but it is certainly there bubbling in the background.
Growing up, I never thought I would turn 30. I mean, I understood it was kind of inevitable, because #aging. But, I just didn't think about the possibility that I wouldn't have everything I wanted. I pictured myself married with one to two children and a beautiful house. I pictured myself either being a career woman (owning my own counseling practice), or perhaps counseling on occasion with a handful of clients, but being available to my children and raising them very hands-on. I saw myself being comfortable and feeling settled at 30.
I am now less than two months from turning 30 and I am single, somewhat restless in my career aspirations, and very much not a mother right now. When I spoke to someone about this openly, the underlying theme was that somehow I had failed. Somehow I had missed the mark and all of those "almost" had me thinking naively I deserved better. Why couldn't I have settled with so-and-so, and why didn't I go ahead and just accept that maybe that was the best I could do? Or why didn't I just crap out on my Master's degree and stay as far as I could from the $20,000 of additional loan debt I had accrued? Why can't being an aunt feel like enough right now while I am childless?
All of these questions give me chest pain. I will be open about that. Turning 30 is somehow this precipice and its only downhill from here. I know that isn't actually true, especially with the progression our society is going. But, there are just things I want in my life that I don't have. How can I make peace with not being where I pictured myself to be at 30 years old?
As I spoke about my anxiety, something amazing happened. I finally pinpointed how I was feeling. For a couple of months, I was so confused about how I felt about being 30. I felt old, yet empowered. I felt like I had so much life ahead of me, but yet my sense of youth felt essentially over. I don't have the same excuses anymore that a 20-something can pass for. She said, "You know there is a sense of authority that comes with 30. You now have life experience, life wisdom, and you're able to tackle your goals with the knowledge of what not to do." I knew deep down she was right. My 20s had some train wreck moments. I went through a divorce in my 20s and if I could go back, I would tell myself, "Hey girl. Let's slow this thing down and think about getting married around 30". I listened to the Bobby Bones Show the other morning and the majority of the radio co-hosts and producers said the ideal age to get married is...you guessed it...30!
While I haven't had a serious relationship in a year or so. I have learned much in my singleness. I have great things in my life, but I also want to make some changes and I want to be sure that everything else is good alone before I can add another person to my life. I want to embrace turning 30 and I want to enjoy entering into this new chapter.
What did you do when you turned 30? How did you celebrate? Am I totally off here?
Happy Monday, xx!
I can relate. I'm coming up on 30, too, and things just aren't quite what I thought they'd be. I failed so many times in my 20s, did not accomplish everything I wanted to, and life in general just did not go as planned. But what's pretty cool is, we're still young, but we're so much wiser! We're at the prime time to still do so many things, but with a lot of knowledge!
ReplyDeleteThat is so TRUE! Life is certainly not over, and it's not too late to do the things I have always wanted. :) Thanks for reading and commenting! :)
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