September 5, 2013

I understand that with this blogging thing there are some things that are meant to be private. I wholeheartedly agree. I have read a handful of posts and some were definitely too much, but of course that is only a matter of opinion. Some of you may think this is too much, but I think it can be beautiful to learn from others' heartbreaks. 

My heartbreak began in April of this year. Sure, nothing is perfect in marriage or in life, but I have to say that I definitely did not see this coming. I fell in love so hard and so quickly that I thought it would last forever. For those of you who are new in these parts, here's a brief timeline of my previous relationship...

Now, you may think, "Well, duh. You knew each other for like 5 minutes. Of course, you got divorced". But, on the contrary. I think we knew each other for the amount of time we needed. See, if I had known my ex for longer we may not have gotten married. As silly as this sounds, I do not regret getting married. I think it happened because we knew it was right, but as all things do, things started to change. Our relationship began to evolve and things that were once top priority began taking a backseat. I have learned that those little things people talk about in marriage seminars really do add up. Whether they are good or bad, they add up over time and can either make or break a relationship. 

In my case, little truths began popping up. Things, habits, struggles I didn't know were there began to turn their ugly heads. For quite some time I began to feel uneasy and anxious. I felt that something was wrong, but couldn't quite figure out what it was. I began to think it was me. I wasn't good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, bubbly enough...Never, ever enough. I should have known that it wasn't me, but how do you know until you know? 

This year everything (that I know of) has come to the surface. I am smarter, stronger, and better for it, trust me. The hardest part about being divorced and under 30 is feeling like it will always be this way. I now have a scar that can never fully heal. I know I am not the only one in this population, especially in the Christian community, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am literally taking it one day at a time. Sometimes, one step.

Thank you, Taylor Swift. Thank you for your relatable words. Even if you have crazy eyes...

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