December 16, 2013

I am not sure if its the looming Christmas season or just the influx of births happening in my world, but I have officially entered into baby fever. I see photos on Facebook of little ones dressed up by mommies and daddies and posing with Santa (although some look straight up terrified). I saw myself having that life by now, but God knows that He is preparing my heart for that very thing someday.

I feel almost strange admitting that I have baby fever as a single woman. I thought it only applied to married women (pure ignorance, I know). I have a beautiful niece whom I love and she is growing like a weed. I can only imagine the heartache a mother feels as she sees her tiny baby walking, talking, and feeding one self. I miss the bottle feeding and the burping. I miss the occasional stare that breaks into the most gut wrenching, puddle on the floor smile. I miss her look of wonder at everything from a TV to a light bulb. I also miss the ability to hold her without her squirming out of my arms.

Having experienced divorce doesn't kill this desire to be a mother. The thought once terrified me, but I am not ashamed to say that I was born to be a mother and someday, I will be one. I hope it passes quickly. I do not want to be on a date and then blurt out, "Hey, by the way nice shirt, and if you're interested in children I would like yesterday..." Yeah, I am pretty sure that wouldn't go over too well. The truth is, I just feel this crazy amount of love inside. I know its there, and I know its meant for my husband-to-be, heck family-to-be. It's there just brewing and growing and chiseling its way into my heart. I don't know if I am the only one that feels this way, but for now its comforting. Its letting me know that my heart isn't dead and its meant to love those people someday.

I pray that this feeling is directed to the right man at the right time. As a woman, I think God creates us to nurture people and things. I think we are given this unique ability to desire to build a family so we can do just that. I also believe that my ability to have a family didn't die with my failed marriage. Its very much alive and well.

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