November 22, 2015

I always feel like I am waiting on something. I feel like right now I am in a season of waiting. I have a lot of questions right now, and not very many answers. If I am being honest here, which I generally am anyway, I am always thinking about 5 steps ahead. I have been cursed by my father in this way. He is a man who doesn't wait. He doesn't like not knowing what the future holds, and I don't either. I think that is my fear talking. Fear of the unknown can be paralyzing, but it can also cause us to want to rush and fast forward through life. I don't like always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess I am always worrying that disappointment will come so that in the end, I don't feel disappointed.

The Lord has really been working on me about this lately. I always feel as though I am praying for things, but I am never willing to wait on them. I am not willing to trust God, because in the end I am fearful that I'll be disappointed. That He will hear my cries, but deny me. That isn't faith or trusting at all. I know God is good. I know that right now, my life is good. All of my needs are met and I have everything that I need. Hurts from my past, disappointments, struggles, they all come with a scar. My heart is being healed as I type this and I am so thankful. I am thankful for Jesus who makes things whole and new. Is it instantaneous? No, but it's happening and it's a process I am willing to go through.

I have asked for so much, but in these times, I simply proclaim gratitude. I believe gratitude and thankfulness can change our perspective on our situation. I am thankful for so many things, even though there are things I still want, but lack. I find that we are always in a state of wanting. We want the next thing, or the next phase, or desire. We often feel dissatisfaction in our flesh, but in Christ, we are satisfied and content. I feel so convicted when someone tells me about the things that they want or need in their life. Most of the time, I look at others thinking they must have it all together. The truth is, no one does. We are all wondering, struggling, hurting for something.

With the Thanksgiving holiday approaching, I want to relish in gratitude. I want to be so thankful for what I have, that I no longer want. Is that 100% realistic? Maybe not, but its what I am striving for. I just want so badly to focus on the Lord in this season and what He has for me. I often cry out to him and ask why so many in my life are suffering. I often cry out, when will it turn around? When is it my turn? When will the break through happen?

If you feel this way, know that you are not alone. Know that I am also in your shoes. I just want so badly for those suffering, or lacking, or wanting, to be full and whole. I pray for healing. I pray for the ability to remain thankful and content.

"But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the Lord, and he answered me from his holy hill. I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me. I will not be afraid of many thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around". Psalm 3:3-4 ESV

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