I posted this photo on Instagram yesterday not to boast, but to hold myself accountable and inspire others. I have seen so many posts the past couple of months about starting the morning off right. I am still adjusting my morning routine, but this will definitely be a part of it. I think the scripture and devotional were perfect for me. It talked about laying down my worries and trusting God. So much of my time is spent worrying about the future.

Thinking this way can make me quickly lose sight of my purpose here on this earth. None of the worry pleases God or brings Him joy. If anything, it stifles my ability to bring joy to others, to encourage them, to accomplish what I need to each day. I am learning to focus again on the Lord and to really place my faith and trust in Him and not myself. Boy, is that hard. I would much rather do things on my own, but where does that lead me? I feel anxious, fearful, sad, lonely, and angry. I can't do everything myself. Sometimes I have to scream it to myself inside - Melissa, you can't do it all! Stop trying! 

I feel now that the Lord is speaking to my heart and reminding me that He loved me first. He knew me before I was conceived, and He knows my heart to this day. The truth is, I just have to learn again for myself. I know that Jesus has been instrumental in my life and He has led me through some amazingly beautiful, difficult, and painful times. I may not understand why things have turned out the way they have, but in the end, I will be okay. Worrying does no good.  

Onto a new day...

7 MISTAKES SINGLE GIRLS MAKE

It's no surprise that our society focuses on those who are in a couple. Valentine's Day is looming and as pathetic as it may sound, all I can think about is not having someone to share the most meaningless, albeit cheesiest holiday of the year. I can handle Christmas being single because I always envision it with family anyway, but Valentine's Day might as well be called, "Single Awareness Day".

I am not really the typical "single girl". I've been married before so I have been there, done that so to speak. I am not waiting on the one, I have simply witnessed the one walking straight out of my life and not looking back. It's a different type of loneliness. There's not the hope that someday I will find someone. I am living with the fact that I found someone, and as quickly as he was placed in my life, he was ripped out. My hope is in redemption. I want the chance to say I have lived and learned and I know better for next time. I know what red flags to look for and I know that I want in a man and in a relationship.

As I have been contemplating my unique singleness, I have reflected on the mistakes I've made so far, and I am sure other single ladies out there have to. I wanted to put together a compilation of these mistakes to save past, current, and future single girls the trouble. Oh, and judge as you will. At least I am being honest.

01. Rehashing what went wrong. Oh, guilty. The truth is, there are some relationships that end for no one reason. There may have been underlying issues all along that you both didn't see. Going through it all over and over in your head is not only counter productive, but it can be destructive. Allow yourself time to process, grieve the relationship, and heal, but once there's been adequate time let it go. Don't spend weeks or months obsessing over what you could have done differently. Learn from it and move on.

02. Contacting your ex. So, it's been three months and the curious bug has bit you square on the butt. Rather than feeding your curiosity and contacting your ex to see what's up, go for a walk instead. After my divorce I made the mistake of contacting my ex one too many times. I wasn't ready to let go yet, and I wanted to make sure that he wasn't the one thing I didn't want him to be - happy. If you find yourself in this position, do something else. Call your mom, best friend, go window shopping, throw your phone in the toilet (okay don't do that). Do anything but call your ex. You'll end up in tears eating way too much gelato in the end.

03. Rebound. Rebound. Rebound. I am a big fan of the show "Girl Code" on MTV. I think it's hilarious, but definitely flawed in their way of thinking. The way to get over an ex is not to "get under someone else". I don't think a rebound date, boyfriend, or sex partner will heal your wounds. Take this time to appreciate being single. One of my favorite parts of being "re-single" is being able to do what I want. That doesn't mean I have aspirations to go to law school and be a lawyer, or hike a nearby mountain. Let's come back down to earth for a minute. What I mean is, do what you want. Lounge in your apartment naked all day. Eat eggs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Watch the same movie over and over. Buy the food you want in the grocery store no matter how many weird looks you get. I tend to buy food you'd find at a six year old's birthday party. It's your time to do what you want and I think you should focus on that for a bit. No harm in being a little selfish.

04. Be afraid to try new things. I am a big fan of routine, but that can easily turn into a rut. For my goals this year I want to live fearlessly. That can mean cooking a new recipe, meeting new people, or learning a new skill. I have voted for all of the above. If you're afraid to step out of your comfort zone, you'll lose the ability to try. I think confidence (true confidence) comes from overcoming fear and putting yourself out there. I think single girls everywhere should tackle what they're afraid of one thing at a time. Start out simple and work your way up. I promise, you won't regret it.

05. Think you'll be complete when "he" comes into your life. You don't need a man in your life to be complete. Focus on the relationships with others you already have. I made it a point to dive into family after my divorce. I was having a hard time, and they were the only ones I knew I could count on. They cried with me, got angry with me, made jokes to make me laugh, prayed with me, and comforted me. They always tell me that I will be a great wife and mother someday, and I know they mean it. Focus on the ones in your life that love and support you like that. You may find yourself wanting a relationship less and less. You will know when the time is right to find Mr. Right. For now, enjoy life with friends and family.

06. Getting caught up in what your friends are doing. Is it just me or do all of your friends get engaged, married, and pregnant after you become single? Oh good, it's not just me. After my divorce about 8 people I knew announced they were pregnant. I was devastated. Not because they were pregnant, but because I wasn't. I knew that it could be years before I am with someone and experiencing the joy of motherhood. I grieved for a couple of months over what I would never have with my ex. It was hard. The truth is, people will be getting engaged, married, and pregnant no matter what your relationship status is. My advice would be to embrace the joy and know that you will someday have your chance. It will come when you least expect it, so for now feel how you feel, but also enjoy the special moments of matrimonial and motherhood bliss with your friends and family.

07. Thinking this will last forever. The truth is, you won't be single forever (unless you want to be). I would get upset mostly at night time and think that this pain will last forever. It didn't and it hasn't. I have my days, but I honestly know deep down that I will find love again. I have so much to offer and I know that someday someone will see that. If you have these moments when you feel like being single will last forever, just remember that at one point in time you were single before. You lived and loved your life, and that was enough. Get back to that point. I know it hurts, it's lonely, and it sucks sometimes, but not always. As they say, "nothing lasts forever". That applies to being single as well.

I hope someone finds the above helpful. I have lived through this journey for the past 8 months and I have to say that it has gotten easier. I think if we all sit and think about it, we have a lot of good in our lives and a lot to be thankful for. I think being single is more than just catching the bouquet at weddings, it's about embracing your beauty during a time of pain and loneliness. Being single doesn't have to be endured, it can be enjoyed too.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to see more like it, please leave a comment below! 

FAVORITE QUOTE

I definitely don't want to live in fear this year. I think the last three years of my life have been lived in fear. Fear of the unknown, uncertainty, but mainly fear that somehow I am missing it. I feel like in my life I have always been missing something. I always think somehow I am missing the mark. I pray this year the Lord will fill the holes I have in my life and in my heart. I am ready to live feeling fulfilled. I am ready to live feeling like I am living my purpose. I ready to live life fearlessly. 

What about you? 

HAPPY

This year has been a great one. It has been great in good ways and in bad.

In 2013...

1. I experienced the happiness of seeing my niece grow and turn 1!
2. I experienced the heartbreak of my marriage ending...
3. I landed on my own two feet and have made steps forward.
4. I have lived on my own successfully for over 7 months.
5. I have enjoyed my family this year and depended on them more than ever.
6. I created "Melissa Faye - The Blog" and soft launched my VA business.
7. I joined Mary Kay and actually sold some stuff.
8. I learned what love meant and sure as hell what it doesn't mean.
9. I received the good news that my sister, brother in law, and niece are moving closer to us.
10. I saw struggles being triumphed.
11. I made the decision that I control what makes me happy.
12. I learned that I am me and I shouldn't apologize for it.
13. I learned that my co-workers are some of my greatest friends.
14. I experienced the best of both worlds - married & single.

What was your year like?

CHEERS to 2014 and let's make it a damn good one!

SECOND CHANCES

 

When I get the chance to love again...

1. I will not take it for granted. I think love is a special thing and it doesn't come around everyday. That special person will be in my life at the right time and I don't want to mess it up by taking it for granted.

2. I will understand where they came from. Everyone has a past and everyone has a story. The best part of being in a relationship is learning something new everyday. I never want to stop learning.

3. I will be their "best friend". As cheesy as it sounds, friendship is an important part of a relationship and/or marriage. If you can't be friends, how can you be anything else?

4. I will forgive. Forgiveness is hard, especially after getting burned a few times. Even when its hard, and even when I am hurt, I will give them a second chance. But if it turns into third, fourth, or fifth chances, maybe its time to reevaluate.

5. I will listen more and talk less. Listening can be a powerful tool and should be used often. With listening comes understanding and productive conversation. No one can say how they feel, what they want, or what they need if both parties are always talking and not listening.

6. Take my time. My first marriage was a whirlwind and while the notion is romantic, it's not always realistic. Don't get me wrong, my parents met and married quickly and are still married to this day, but next time I won't rush. Refer to #3. Friends first.

7. Play. Laugh. Smile. Enjoy. I think two people in a relationship should enjoy each other, and that's always been my goal. In life bills pile up, work becomes stressful, and drama happens, but I think a relationship should be a place of solitude when life gets tough. You can never laugh, play, smile, or enjoy your partner too much.

8. Learn new things. I think doing adventurous and new things is a must in a relationship. Life can become a routine, but its nice to spice things up a bit. Taking a cooking class, going to a new city, learning a new hobby are all great ways to learn something new and ignite new conversations. I think this will become a point in my next relationship.

9. Chill out. I can be quite intense, even when I don't try to be. It's good to be with someone who is a bit more laid back with a go-with-the-flow mentality. One of my goals is to learn to relax. Life will happen no matter what and little things will come up that I simply can't control. It's important to take time out and just get back to what's important. I am sure my partner would appreciate this.

10. Keep it healthy. Relationships are to be based on health. If a relationship causes you to struggle or completely "let go" in areas of your life, it may be time to re-evaluate. During my marriage things that were once important in regard to my health were simply ignored. Other things and stresses became more important, and I forgot to balance out my mental, emotional, and physical health. When both partners are healthy and pursuing health together, the relationship in turn becomes healthier. It's science.

What are your most important relationship rules or tips?

"I AM A GREAT FRIEND..."

Today I am in the mood to get real. Really real. If this isn't the kind of stuff you like to read, please move onto the next blog. It's going to get cah-razy.

Well not so much, but I do feel like I have some things to get off of my chest. Again, I didn't want to make this blog all about my failed marriage, but I feel like some wisdom has come from my experience. I think those who have experienced divorce know a thing or two about marriage.

I was thinking the other night about relationships and I have been reading articles about marriage, and things that I want to remember for the next time (I hope there's a next time). One thing that stuck out to me was when my ex-husband said, "You know...I am a really good friend, but I am not a good husband..." Wow. That spoke so much in so few words.

My first reaction to this was sadness. I thought to myself, "Why does it have to be either friend or husband? Aren't both equally important"? Isn't friendship one of the most important aspects of a good, healthy marriage? I think it is. My second reaction was utter anger. I felt angry because I hadn't seen this "good friend" in quite some time. I hadn't felt like I was living with a good friend, let alone married to one. Good friends are honest, thoughtful, caring, and self-less. These are the qualities I think of when I think of a good friend. These are qualities I would hope my friends would say about me.

I don't in any way want to say that my husband was a bad person. To me, good people do bad things and vice versa. I do want to say that for the most part, good friends are good wives and good husbands- if they choose to be. Here's a quote from an article I read online and it really struck home with me...

"BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier." Read article here.

This speaks volumes when it comes to marital friendship. Friends laugh, do fun things together, and enjoy each other. Last I checked, friendship wasn't all work and no play. Friends make things light and I think your spouse should be able to do that also! As it says, "Don't take yourself so damn seriously." I 100% agree.

LOSING

I think in times of stress or sadness, the only true remedy is some good Bible and prayer time. I have to admit that I am not the most disciplined when it comes to my very broken and messy relationship with Christ. I have to be constantly reminded that even in the storm, the only calm and sanctuary I can hold onto is the Lord. I am currently reading Job. I feel like in this time of my life I can somewhat relate to Job. I don't think I am in the same shape he was at that time (thank God), but I feel like so much has been lost this year. I really want to get back to a place where I can find satisfaction and contentment once again in my relationship with Jesus. Even when I have wanted to throw my faith out the window I just can't seem to let go of my first love. I can't seem to shake the hold He has on my life. Isn't it amazing that even when we seem to give up on Jesus, He never does? He has been here all along. I am not deserving, but to Him it doesn't matter.

I think in these faith crises in life, we have to accept that at times our faith will be shaken. When things rock you to your core you can't help but look at God and ask "Why?".  I have asked several times why I have been given the circumstances I have in life, but the truth is, I don't know and I may never know. I have to admit that I am human, I am broken, and I need help.

I would love to hear from any of you who have gone through something similar. 

I think it helps to hear from others who have been going through tough times.

TENSION

Dating. Relationships. Marriage.  

As a teenager I was taught from all of the angles about dating, relationships, and marriage. The truth is, I have had my fair share of dating blunders and busts. Most of which I regret. I acted selfishly, stubbornly, impulsively, and thought very little about how that would impact my future married life. I have always dated with marriage as my end game. That can be both a good and bad thing. It's good because it can give dating a purpose. It's bad because it puts unnecessary pressure on a couple. Not every dating couple is meant to be married. Does this mean all dating outside of the person you marry is pointless? No. But it can be detrimental to your future husband or wife (I say wife for all the guys who read this...None? Okay).

Now, I can only speak for my own dating experience. Shockingly, my dating journey is starting over. I am now dating as an adult. But what the heck does that mean? Does any of what I learned as a teenager apply now? I hope so. It's really all I have to go off now.

The Bible does not speak of dating. It does not offer a 'Ten Commandments for Non-Married People'. During the Biblical days, dating didn't exist yet. Marriages were arranged. Marriages also occurred between family members. Yuck. Now, there are more options than ever. You can literally walk into a coffee shop and meet the love of your life. You can also go online and you're among millions on various dating sites. How does one navigate through this giant world full of members of the opposite sex? How does one deal with the new-found pressures of dating?

As a teenage girl I was told, "boys call, boys pick girls up, and boys pay"...But now, you could be asked out by a guy and you really aren't sure if he just asked you on a date or not...The lines are now blurred between potential friend and date. It's confusing. It's frustrating. I am more of an old-fashioned girl when it comes to dating. I do not just randomly give my number to a guy (okay, once). I do not just ask a guy out that I find attractive. I also do not call a guy first (maybe a few times). Is this sounding very "He Just Not That Into You" right now? Maybe I should watch that movie again...

"Oh Jenny. Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. Oh, my Jenny. Wait, what number did I just call?"

I say all of that to say this. I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I don't think I have ever really known come to think of it. Am I alone here? I am not saying I am looking for a relationship right now, but I think it's important that I set some boundaries now for when the time comes. I definitely want to preserve as much of my heart as I can, while I still have some left. Dating can bring about all kinds of complications. The best thing for me is to have things be as simple as possible. Please tell me things are still simple out there...

If not, I am staying single forever. Okay, maybe not forever.

EVERYBODY

Lyrics by Taylor Swift

Despite what others think I am not one to go with the crowd. Not that I want to completely rebel, but I just have my own way of doing things. I know that people tend to gravitate towards what is cool and pretty. I have to reign it in sometimes too. I see what others have and lose my mind trying to find a way to have it too. I have to remember to be content what what I have and who I am.

Do you struggle with being content? How do you handle it?

COFFEE DATE

Can we just talk about relationships for a minute? 

I love these times when blogging becomes a bucket to catch every little drop of my soul I can squeeze out of me. Instead of trends, TV shows, and make up products, can we talk about real life? I just want to have a coffee date if you will.

Life lately has been utterly frustrating for me. Not only am I still knee deep in a divorce, but I have been thinking back at all of my failed relationships and asked myself some really difficult questions.

Why did these relationships fail? Is everyone just better off when I am out of their life? What is it about me I can look at, analyze, and change? Was I that bad of a wife? 

source: Minted

All of these questions are 1. normal, but 2. are necessary. I don't think it's bad to really take a moment, or 6 months, and really look at how I am connecting with the other people in my life.  I think for the most part I am an understanding person. I think I have compassion. I think I care A LOT, maybe too much? I think that I listen well, but I also want to offer advice (warranted or not). Not because I think I am always right, but because I care. I want to walk away from a conversation feeling like I made a difference or helped the other attain some ground in their lives. I am a doer and a thinker. If there is something to be done to help, I certainly want to do that. I am super analytical and want to solve problems. I also want to listen to others' hearts and tune into what they need. I hate not knowing what I want, and I want others to know what they want as well. I don't appreciate lies or any form of deceit. It wastes my time and makes me feel like I am not worth telling the truth to. This is me.

source: Pinterest (no source)

I would love to be in a community with people who allow people to be who they are. Broken, screwed up, and desperate for wholeness. I think we are all in this boat. Therefore, no one should feel alienated from it. I want to be able to share my heart and soul with others. I also desire this in my next romantic relationship, and I think that's okay. It's okay to desire those things for my future. I am not about to throw away everything I was raised to be know and be. I have morals, standards, and values, even if others feel like they are no longer necessary. I am not going to apologize for that, and I don't think I should feel I have to.

source: Piccsy

I am someone who enjoys laughter and wants to laugh really laugh everyday. I want to have friends that are sincere, trustworthy, and caring. I want to be able to see who I am with those around me. I know that I may have a failed marriage, but I am going to succeed with the remaining relationships in my life. I am determined to see the good in all of this. Even if all of this doesn't make sense yet.

source: Pinterest (no source)

RED

I understand that with this blogging thing there are some things that are meant to be private. I wholeheartedly agree. I have read a handful of posts and some were definitely too much, but of course that is only a matter of opinion. Some of you may think this is too much, but I think it can be beautiful to learn from others' heartbreaks. 

My heartbreak began in April of this year. Sure, nothing is perfect in marriage or in life, but I have to say that I definitely did not see this coming. I fell in love so hard and so quickly that I thought it would last forever. For those of you who are new in these parts, here's a brief timeline of my previous relationship...

Now, you may think, "Well, duh. You knew each other for like 5 minutes. Of course, you got divorced". But, on the contrary. I think we knew each other for the amount of time we needed. See, if I had known my ex for longer we may not have gotten married. As silly as this sounds, I do not regret getting married. I think it happened because we knew it was right, but as all things do, things started to change. Our relationship began to evolve and things that were once top priority began taking a backseat. I have learned that those little things people talk about in marriage seminars really do add up. Whether they are good or bad, they add up over time and can either make or break a relationship. 

In my case, little truths began popping up. Things, habits, struggles I didn't know were there began to turn their ugly heads. For quite some time I began to feel uneasy and anxious. I felt that something was wrong, but couldn't quite figure out what it was. I began to think it was me. I wasn't good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, bubbly enough...Never, ever enough. I should have known that it wasn't me, but how do you know until you know? 

This year everything (that I know of) has come to the surface. I am smarter, stronger, and better for it, trust me. The hardest part about being divorced and under 30 is feeling like it will always be this way. I now have a scar that can never fully heal. I know I am not the only one in this population, especially in the Christian community, but it doesn't make it any easier. I am literally taking it one day at a time. Sometimes, one step.

Thank you, Taylor Swift. Thank you for your relatable words. Even if you have crazy eyes...

IN CONTROL

God in control doesn't mean that I don't have a say in what happens in my life. I think that God being in control is about me giving up my worries, fears, and stresses about the future.

My favorite verse right now is...

What is your life verse right now?