Dealing with a divorce can seem isolating. The end of a marriage that is your own is one thing (been there), but the feelings that come with your parents' divorce ending after 31 years, are overwhelming. My parents decided to tell me over the phone on a Friday afternoon that they had filed for divorce. I knew something was wrong when my Dad called me and asked me if I was home yet from work, or still driving. They know better to not tell me heartbreaking news while I am behind the wheel.

During this time my grandfather was also in hospice and was not given much time left. I figured when he had called me initially he was going to tell me that he had passed away. When my parents put the phone on speaker and told me they were ending their 30+ year marriage, I fell to the floor. I couldn't grasp the words they were telling me because it was shocking, and I expected something totally different to be told to me that day. I prepared in my head for the words that my grandfather passed away, but whole other death took place that day. I felt like my family life as I knew it had died. My parents were no longer together and their marriage was no longer a proud talking point for me. My friends' parents had all divorced in elementary, middle, and high school. I had one friend whose parents decided to divorce right after she got married and was given the news upon her return from their honeymoon. My parents' marriage had stood the test of time, or so I thought.

My initial reaction I am not proud of. I was hurt, but mostly angry. They had witnessed my divorce just a couple of years earlier and knew how fragile I was. They saw everything that I had dreamed of slip away. They saw me hit rock bottom and have to start all over. Who would choose to go through that after 30 years? Who would want to navigate their late adult life alone? I couldn't understand it and I was angry that I even had to endure this once again. If I could go back now, I would have cut my parents some slack. The shock of their divorce really shouldn't have been so shocking. My parents are what you would call "oil and water". They do not mix, but they spent their entire lives stirring, shaking, and working like hell to make it all stay together.

As time went on I felt everything possible associated with grief. Little by little, my parents began to share more details about the breakdown of their marriage and all of the moments that things went wrong. I read an article that stated it best:

"First, you hate to see their marriage end because it represents the foundation on which your life was built. Second, by focusing on what you can do to get them to stay together, you can ease and/or avoid your unsettling feelings about them splitting apart." Article found here. 

In my mind I was still trying to sort out ways for them to work it out. As time went on, I realized it wasn't one thing that triggered it all. It was years of things that have happened. I couldn't fix it and it wasn't my job to, no matter how hard I would try. Looking back I just kept thinking about times that my parents' marriage was difficult, or when they were fighting a lot, and I just remember how horrible it felt. I remember distinctly as a child remembering a time where things were pretty bad and I cried and asked if they were getting a divorce. The strange part was those feelings felt exactly like they did the day my parents told me they were splitting up. I think at any age it's a hard thing to understand and cope with. 

Now that it has been almost three years, I have been coping the best I can. I still feel like it isn't real some days, and some days it feels like I just received the call yesterday. We have still managed to spend time together during holidays and important occasions, although it won't feel like it did. We were a very tight-knit family. We all went to the grocery store together and had multiple annual vacations and spent hours talking as a family all of the time. We were just close. Things have changed for sure, and it's sad, but just as my divorce didn't kill me, this won't either. Learning to navigate as a family is learning to navigate change. When I get married someday and have a family, the whole dynamic will change again and we'll adjust. 

If you are an adult dealing with a parents' divorce, just know that it does get easier. My heart breaks for you, but the sadness will fade and your mind will stop racing and looking for ways to fix it. It can be a hard change, but a manageable one. Just let go of your own expectations and look for ways to accept the situation for what it is. It does get better. 

THINGS I LEARNED FROM DIVORCE

I know I am not the first person to ever get divorced and unfortunately, I won't be the last. Divorce has taught my heart so many things. Things that I didn't know I wanted to learn. Divorce still has a stigma attached to it. My fear when the news first broke was judgement. I was afraid people would think I wasn't trying, or that I was a horrible person, or that I was a bad wife, or damaged. Being under 30 and divorced came with its own challenges. I wasn't quite settled into married life and then I had to figure out how to live on my own, in a different state than my family, for the first time in my life. So many changes occurred in a three year span, but I have to say the hardest adjustment was getting divorced.

I had so many feelings and emotions running through my being. I couldn't decide if I was more sad than angry, or more hurt than sad. I just felt lost. Feeling lost is the worst part. I couldn't decide which direction to go. Every decision I made involved another person, but no longer was he here with me. Every fear, doubt, concern with discussed with another person, but no longer was he available to listen. How does someone bounce back from that? How does one cope? I have a few lessons that you or someone you know may find useful. I am in no way an expert, but I feel as though my experience may benefit someone else who is or has gone through the same thing.

It Does Get Easier

I know it can seem like life will be horrible forever, but that isn't so. I dealt with several bouts of depression and there were days I couldn't grasp the thought of ever getting through it. This isn't something I shared on a regular basis with anyone, but now that some time has passed I feel like it would be beneficial for others to know that yes, I was depressed. I had never felt so low, sad, or hopeless in my life. I would cry out to God, call my mom, pray, read the Bible, cry some more. Whatever I had to do, I did it. I had to let the emotions flow so that I could begin to recover and heal. I think there is something about loss that opens up your soul and makes you feel pain in places you didn't know existed. I often find that after these times the heart is stronger and any joy you feel is that much sweeter.

People Will Understand 

I had to accept the fact that I wasn't alone in my struggle. So many people had experienced divorce and when they offered their advice or told their story, I listened. I wanted to feel a kinship with these people because it made me feel less alone, less afraid, and more hopeful. They got through it and so can I. So can you!

Being Alone Will Feel Okay

I am not going to lie, at first, it was really hard to live alone. I missed the presence of another. I wanted to cook for two, clean for two, do laundry for two, anything to feel normal. After a while, I embraced living alone and having time to sleep in, relax, do things my own way, establish a comfortable routine, and learn who I was again. Being married gives you another identity and I felt for a while like I wasn't quite myself. The truth is, that's normal when you're first married because your identity is now linked with another person. Once my ex-husband and I were separated, I had to learn who I was again. I have to admit, I kind of like who I am now. I feel like myself - most days. 

Don't Rush

I cannot tell you how many people asked me when I was going to start dating again (that story for another post). I had to be honest with them and myself and say that I wasn't ready for a relationship. It's been about 8 years since I have "dated" someone. I am a serial monogamist and I will openly admit that (okay, I just did). I was in a long-term relationship before I met my ex-husband and I didn't waste anytime jumping into something with him. I feel as though this is a great time to do all of the things I have wanted to do, but never had the chance. If the time comes, and the right person comes along, I will be open to it, but I don't see that happening for a while anyway.

Make the Move 

No one is going to be there to kick you in the pants and tell you when to start living again. You will have to make that decision on your own. For me, it took me several months to really "live". I was just doing my best to get through each and every day and at the time people were graceful enough to allow me to do that. Now that it's been a year, it's time for me to make some decisions in my life. I have a career, family, and my own personal well-being to consider. I can't wait around for life to happen. I have to make it happen for me. 

Do you have any advice, or want to chat? Leave a comment or send me an email! 

Original Image Heart of Gold