FROM THE HEART

photo edited with the Waterlogue app

I like to write posts that kind of feel like we are in the room talking to each other. These are like my "coffee date" posts. I just have the need to share what's on my heart and type them out. I haven't blogged since Valentine's Day and for good reason.

I think Valentine's Day hit me pretty hard this year. I was also sick that day, which made it no bueno. I had plans to travel to my sister and brother in law's new house on a base they were just recently stationed. I was excited. I was also relieved I had something to do on Valentine's Day that included my favorite people - my family. Time with them sometimes helps me forget the other not-so-good things in my life. The day just brought up a lot of old feelings. The sadness, anger, and confusion all welled up inside of me.

I also tried to stay off social media as much as I could. Ya know, the flowers, the candy, the sweet little photos of couples...It was getting to be a little too much. I wondered throughout the day, why my life had changed so drastically while other couples were blissfully celebrating. What had I done wrong? What was I missing? The truth is, you can't really compare your life to that of someone else's. No one said, "Thou must have a date on Valentine's Day", so why did I feel like I was missing out? Here's why:

I was reminded once again that I was alone.

Now, don't run and hand me a box of tissues. I am okay. I have had my chance at love, and I don't regret that. What I do regret is the pressure I have put on myself to have someone new - "to move on, get over it, find someone else". Why have I beat myself up over "still" being single? It's not like it's been years. It's been 9 months. Nine! A friend of mine and I were having a conversation about singleness and being in our 20s. Our singleness is different, but we are single all the same. I am starting over, while she is starting out. Your 20s is the time to take advantage. I know I have said that before, but it really hit me today. What am I doing with my time? Am I wasting it, or am I taking every opportunity to set the tone for the rest of my life?

I think I may take some time to really evaluate where I am and where I want to go in my life. There is so much pressure to have everything figured out. It's a constant hurry up and wait scenario. I think the 20-somethings out there can agree that early adulthood is a trying time. So much changes, yet I feel like my body and mind are at odds with each other. Some days I still feel 17. There's constant questioning and wondering, "Will my career ever take off? Where do I want to live? Should I continue my education? Where can I meet people? What skills/training should I pursue? Am I ready to settle down? I want to travel, but how do I come up with the resources? Am I spending too much? Should I be saving more? Will I have anything to spare to create savings? Will my student loans ever be paid off?" See what I mean? And all of this even without relationship troubles to think about!

All of this is just bouncing around in my brain at all hours of the day. I say all of this to say, no I do not have it figured out. Who does?

If you or someone you know does have it figured out, tell them to shoot me an email!