IS FOMO KILLING ME?

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I have to say that more often than not I get envious of others as I scroll through my Instagram and Facebook feed. Especially lately, its been one pregnancy announcement after another, and I am thinking maybe there's a club I am not aware of. If anyone knows about this club where couples gather and decide when to all get pregnant, let me know, low key.

I am in a unique place in my life where I am single, but independent, and really working hard to get in a better place mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically. I can work on myself when others are seemingly working on their growing their families, their marriages, their business, etc. I am in a place where I've made decisions in my life that didn't pan out, but I am also taking risks. Not a lot of married couples or parents can take these kinds of risks. I am also in a new city with a small support system, and no family closer than two and a half hours. I have learned to become very self-sufficient. I have learned to lean a little less on others and more on myself and God (that's a whole other blog post though).

I am also in a place where I see so many people tackling their dreams with all they have and I am kind of sitting wondering, "What next"? I have already moved to a new state and rent my own apartment. I have already earned my Master's degree, and purchased my own car, and been in relationships, and been through a divorce (not a dream of mine, but hang on). I say all that to say, I have already been through so much and done so much, and I guess I am more-so sitting here wondering, "What can I possibly do that I haven't already done"? I know you're probably thinking there's plenty more I could accomplish, but again, I am in a unique place.

I'd love to drop everything and become a travel blogger or work remotely while changing the world. I'd love to start my own business and open up the most beautiful and warm coffee shop known to man. I'd love to pay off all of my debts and just travel somewhere new every month not worrying about cost or expense because I am hella frugal and smart with my money.

The truth is, all of those things seem nice, but none of them make my heart go pitter-patter. It sounds really crazy, but the thing that keeps me up at night and makes my heart skip is the thought of becoming a wife and mother. It's again what I see in all of my Instagram stories and blog posts and Facebook news. The two things I want to be, and guess what, I have no control over either of them. I never thought I'd get back to this place where my heart longs to love another, but here I am. The only two things I haven't accomplished yet. People will give me understanding looks and tell me I'll look back and appreciate this time, but right now all I keep thinking about is the shrinking amount of time I'll get to be with them, my husband, and children someday. All of the days I could have been preparing a meal for them, or all of the nights I was longing to meet them, when I could have been feeding them, or rocking them back to sleep. The trips I may one day take with my family, but not the one I call my own. I could open 100 coffee shops and not feel any fuller in my heart.

I want to be happy for those who've finally found what they're looking for, but a part of me just wants to cry...again. I feel this sadness and this pain that doesn't seem to go away. I know that a husband and family can't fulfill everything, but what if that's my heart beat and my deepest desire? What if it doesn't go away so that I don't get jaded or forget why I am here? I can't fill it with other #girlboss dreams, because truth be known, I am more of a #girlwife or a #girlmom than a #girlboss anyway...And guess what? That doesn't make me any less strong, or fierce, or independent. It just means I haven't found my dream yet.

We're all dreaming, right?